Archive | November, 2012

WIAW #2

28 Nov

heyhey ! i been so blah lately with school, around a week before thanksgiving i lose pretty much all motivation to do anything school related.. i keep telling myself 1 more paper and 2 more tests, christmas cant come soon enough!! btw totally almost forgot to tell you, i wont go into details for your sake but i got to dissect a cadaver today, uhhh coolest thing ever.

this week i had some pretty good eats, i got some recipes ill hopefully be sharing with you this week but for now heres my wednesday, all thanks to jenn !

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Breakfast

this is a recycled photo but i had some delish pumpkin oatmeal, i topped this bad boy with coconut and walnuts !

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and had some peppermint tea with.. in the coolest mug ever, my harry potter mug ❤ makes my day every morning (im cool!)

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Lunch

green smoothie.. full fat coconut milk, pineapple, banana, coconut oil, spinach and kale

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plus not one, but 2 pumpkin coffees. yeah you see that, thats one chapter of notes.. i needed the caffeine to get me through that ;-)!

Dinner

sushi date with my two friends, it was much needed after my crazy day at school! i had a tuna, california, shrimp, and peanut avocado.. first time having tuna and i loved it!

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also had a soup and salad, seriously i lick the bowl because i love there dressing.. anyone else no that dressing im talking about?
Snack

TBA- im feeling a pumpkin muffin though hmmmm:-)!

What are you eating lately?

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Your Happy Weight

27 Nov

thanks for the awesome feedback yesterday, i got a few messages talking about there scale obsession to and figured i’d do a post about this..

When do you reach your happy weight?

if you read any diet or exercise book most of them say how you should weigh yourself to keep on track, which is true if you are new to dieting and losing weight but when is it taken too far?
 I told you how my binging was a control thing, which lead into a weight thing.  I wasn’t a scale person at first but then after i heard so many of the “your so skinny” or “you lost more weight?” comments i decided one day to weigh myself.. thats when i saw it was 110 lbs, my usual “happy weight” is about 115, so this was a big deal i didnt no whether to be happy or sad?  Id should be sad because i lost my butt, i had arms that look like they could be snapped in half easily but no i was happy because i had this notion in my head that if i was losing weight that it was weight that was meant to come off. yeah that would be realistic if i was actually eating enough but i wasn’t..

I weighed myself daily every morning and it always stayed around the same 107-109 range but if i happened to lose anymore that week, brownie points! if i had gained anything which how dare i, my day would be ruined.. id be pissy around my meals and id hate whatever food it was that made me gain that pound and go right back to my safe meals.. i started to realize though my weekly binge which wasn’t actually a binge it was just me having a normal dinner and a snack after, i wasnt gaining weight so i enjoyed it and thats when i really fell deep into the ED because i sorta enjoyed it because i was comfortable in my life.. weighing myself eating my same meals working out and going to work miserable is all my life was which sounds really fun.. i didnt care though!

i remember when i just started to eat a normal amount again and i started the insanity dvds i was gaining weight but i felt good for a change and i had said i got to change my life and get out of my ED thinking, not really considering me weighing myself as a bad thing though.  But after missing a few days of not weighing myself because i really didnt want to get upset because i knew it was gonna be higher but i gave in and stepped on the scale oh damn 111 lbs..

For once though i didnt go scarf down a bag of chips and crawl back in my little ED corner and go back to old ways.. I wasnt dancing around all happy either excited to have gained weight..I was just shocked i didn’t no really how to act i was lost.. I liked how i looked because i was actually getting a body back, but my clothes were getting tight which easily was leading me into negative thinking..I had to conquer this thought though and what i did was go out and buy bigger pants.. i was never a size 0 my comfy size pants is a 5 and i was a 3 when i was my lowest weight.

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i am not saying this was easy, but when i started to recover i just kept thinking to myself im trying not to weigh myself because i was letting a scales number decide if i was going to be happy or sad/mad that day..like WTF! so why would i let a number in my pants decide if i was gonna be happy or not it just really started to boggle my mind but i had that engraved in my mind ! like i said its not that i was abnormal for doing it and weighing myself.. i clearly remember reading in a magazine “weigh yourself every morning and if you gained weight go back to your food diary and see what food didn’t agree with you” i remember that because i lived by it for a year. like if food didnt agree with me? so if i decided to have popcorn with some extra salt, now that im alittle bloated from to much salt i should now avoid it? no ill drink some water the next day if im really bothered not cross it off my “safe” food list.. my mind just started to think the correct way after thinking wrong for so long..

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I had to start putting this way of thinking in all my ED ways of thinking, i had to get off my stupid eating schedule and eat when im actually hungry and stop thinking about food 24/7! i love food and i love cooking different kind of recipes so i will always have thoughts of food and thinking of different recipes to try.. but i wasnt thinking of it the right way, id go to sleep hungry just to remind myself oh you get breakfast tomorrow so deal with it.. wow i get breakfast?! lucky me! or id be at work so hungry and think its not 11 so wait til then because otherwise youll have to  eat your dinner earlier which means going to bed earlier so you can avoid being hungry at night. i have way to much stuff in my life to be thankful for that i had to get food constantly on my mind OUT!

Like put it this way do you have a car? do you treat and take care of it the same way you do to yourself? incase you dont find a gas station, do you keep a tank of gas in your trunk? probably not.. well then why are we worrying about dinner when were not even done with our lunch!? we dont think so much of our future with our car why do we with our food? why cant we just enjoy our food as its there and wen our hunger pains start to come around then think about your next meal then.. if were that worried about food, just like theres gas stations on every corner theres also food places..

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now to my happy weight, in HS i never had to worry i ate a bunch of crap most of the time and went to my sports practices and never gained a bunch of weight from doing so.. that was my happy weight, yeah i know the whole “your metabolism changes” stuff but it doesn’t have to you still need food.. my happy weight is when i can go a few days without exercise and still eat a normal amount of food and not gain anything, and when i do have my random binges instead of working out for hours on end id start over the next day and whatever my “happy weight” is my body will bounce right back to it..

thats what your happy weight is, it means that you have the right level of body fat and muscle for your body.. this is the weight where you don’t have to be overly concerned about what you eat, where you have plenty of energy to do all your favorite activities, and where you feel pretty damn good in a bathing suit.

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do you think our ancestors (i wish you saw how bad i butchered that word, thank you spell check lol) weighed themselves daily? obv not. they ate REAL food and some sort of exercise, which was probably walking and turned out just fine.  Since so many people are having trouble breaking the scale habit i hope this helps somewhat.. I am not 100% in recovery yet but I can say i havent weighed myself in almost a year and I feel great about that, and most of all am HAPPY with my body and weight.. I still have days where i dont trust my body and think im gonna become a beluga after a binge, but there are gonna be bumps in the road but keep going in the right direction

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Do you believe in a happy weight? Have you reached it?

Question & Answers – Binge Eating

24 Nov

After I posted my breakdown in this post, i got many emails asking some questions and i figured why not answer them on here since i seem to be going through what soo many people are going through!

Q: How did you realize you have binge eating disorder?

A:  While i was never actually diagnosed by a doctor I know I do.  I was in denial for awhile but once I had started reading blogs and their stories how they had/have a ED, it really made me open my eyes to see i do have a problem.  At first I blew it off and probably went and ate a box of cookies to cope, but then I started to get more and more guilt each time I then binged, thats when it really clicked that I needed to start changing.

Q:  Does any of your family know about your relationship with food?

A:  To tell you the truth I have tried to tell my mom once or twice I have a binging problem I need some sort of help but she didnt really think it was anything.  They do know im alittle physco about food though and have been for years.  Some years worse then others to the point i had actually cried that my mom had added butter (even if it was vegan) to the veggies, this was probably me at my lowest.  My bestfriend is the only one who knows, well that i have actually told about my problem and I had just opened up to her recently about it and it feels good to have someone right there. *by no means though did my parents just avoid the situation, they both would tell me to eat more im getting to skinny etc but never really saw it as a ED and prob thought me binging was ok bc it wasnt a daily occurance idk.

Q:  What caused you to develop an ED when your already skinny?

A:  In all seriousness my binging problem had nothing to do with me getting skinny, at first.  I had gone through little diets (calorie counting, high protein, vegan) to keep my body in check and because i was actually interested in the nutrition and benefits.  Something happened in my personal life which is def to long for this post and needs one on its own that led me to need some sort of control in my life.  I could control what i put in my mouth.  So i ate but not nearly enough so no1 really thought i had anything wrong with me because i was eating, you know 100 calorie salads that are still the size of my head.  I then saw i was barely eating 1200 calories a day that I got obsessed with that control, then since from starving my body of anything other then fruit and veggies pretty much I’d have a binge.  I turned that binge into a once a week occueance but thought of it as an indulgence i guess you could say because I enjoyed it, I ate healthy all week i deserved it right? Or maybe because I was starving and needed real food.  One thing led to another that I then would get upset that my pants were to tight or my belly didnt look flat enough or the scale wasnt the same or lower then the day before, but it didnt really begin in order to get skinny, it was really a personal control matter. Which either way turned into the skinny obsession which sucks !

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Q:  What else did you binge on besides peanutbutter?

A:  Everything! Id sometimes sit down eat a box of cereal then to move on to egg sandwiches x5.  I have made a dessert and ate the whole recipes worth.  I have even ate food i wasnt even enjoying but still ate it just because.  But those were more rare occurrences pb made an appearance more often then not.

Q:  What was your lowest point that you realized you had to change?

A:  Well one was that time I cried because of the butter in the veggies.  Another was when I got so upset one day because I was annoyed at something stupid (i honestly got so obsessed with things during this time, I had OCD with cleaning all of a sudden because of this control obsessive thing i had going on that id get pissed or upset if there were crumbs on the counter, my poor parents) and went to the store got a jar of pb, got a spoon in food court and went to my car and ate it and as i sat there i was like wtf is wrong with you are you really coming to this.. No i didnt throw out the jar I finished it and came home and swore to make some sort of change and i slowly am.

Q:  Did you ever make yourself throw up?

A:  No i never did, but im not gonna lie i have thought about it.  After a big binge I did think about it but I have had friends that did that in the past and i remember how much i would tell them “why bother the calories already count” and “why waste your money buying the food if you wont actually have it”.  Of coarse this is before i knew the mental changes an ED does to you this is when I really had a good relationship with healthy food so my friends would just snap at me and say well we dont want to work out or have to eat oatmeal and shakes for breakfast.  I now understand how there mind was working but still anytime I ever had that purging thought, me saying that stuff to my friends always came in my mind because it was the truth and i snapped out of it.

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Q:  What were some of your obsessions?  Because for me I stare at every girls thighs since thats my biggest problem area and all i cared about was if mine were bigger then someone elses.

A: ahh the comparison trap. to tell you the truth i didnt really care much about others.  id be lieing if i said i never looked at a girl and said wow shes skinnier, prettier, smarter, etc then me.  but my ED put me in my little cocoon that i was a selfish person and didnt care about anyone else because i was to worried about when my next meal would be or how many calories i consumed that day.  I would get anxiety if i had to go out to dinner with friends or family that didnt have any “safe” options and because i couldnt control what they were putting into my food.  And seriously the only time i ever got jealous of anyone was when i saw them being healthy and balanced with food/exercise.  Like really i would think to myself like wtf is your problem go eat go to the gym for a little a day and go enjoy life but no.. my life revolved around me and food only.  I also started the scale obsession.  Every morning I got on the scale made sure it was exactly on zero and let it determine if i was going to have a bad or good day pretty much.  Like i said it didnt start out as a weight thing, but it did turn into it.

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Q:  How long since you decided you needed to change?

A:  Last October is when is when i was at the store in the car eating my pb alone and needed to change.  I am no where near recovered but when i look back to things I did i have come such a long way that i am recovering which really makes me happy when I get to low points (like my binge the other day)  I havent stepped on a scale since last december which was a big step.  I havent worked out for hours and hours to burn calories in over a year.  I have gone months at a time without binging, I didnt the whole summer and even would have peanutbutter everyday.  Yes there was a jar left in my house for over a week! I had honestly thought i finally reached my balance point and i was sooo happy.  I no what changed (which like i said earlier needs its own post) but one binge led to the guilt thoughts and so on and so fourth.  All i know is that i can really say i am going in the right direction, old habits die hard.  My body has been through hell and has got to learn to trust me again.  As much as i hate myself after a relapse, at the same time it makes me alittle bit stronger.

Can you relate to any of this?  Answer some of the questions and let me know!

Vegan Peanut Butter Pie

23 Nov

ahh thanksgiving how i already miss you! Im happy to say i succeeded in enjoying it and the aftermath of it.  I ate like every other person does on thanksgiving but didn’t go alll out beast mode like i usually would, I enjoyed a small slice of each of my pies and didn’t just think about my next meals and how they will only be salads for the next few days, no i enjoyed it i indulged and i didnt go into binge mode after of the next day which is a huge step and prob wouldnt have done it without all the awesome comments and messages ive gotten!  I went shopping at 10 after thanksgiving dinner  and there werent any great sales but some good ones i didnt have a good plan this year so i just sort of winged it but im 90% done i just got my parents left which i seem to pick them up stuff all month long because god forbid they tell me a list of what they want to make anyones life alittle easier, is it just my parents who do this? lol. i finally went to sleep at 4pm today after shopping all night and day and woke up a few hours later and cant fall back asleep, looking forward to work tomorrow.  The 5k went good it was so gorgeous out and its right by the water so your passing all the nice houses the whole time so its nice.  I just cant stand 5ks like this because you never get your stride because there is so many people your constantly running around people and trying to get ahead of them. Anyone else no what im talking about?  But still its fun to do it and it became a good tradition, my goal is to one day get my whole family to do it before thanksgiving (haha im actually LOLing) but a girl could dream.  I did it in 25:28 which is my fastest time yet so yay for that!

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okay so enough of me rambling on i no you just want the pie, also known as the bestpieever.

When i first became vegan i came across a few dessert recipes that called for this weird looking thing in the super market called tofu.  I avoided it for so long until I gave it a try one day.  I loved it, i became so inspired to try any kind of recipe and this one became my go to and the filling alone i put in anything from a trifle to just as a snack since its pretty impressing nutrition content..

By know means am i saying this pie is a nutrition powerhouse and you should go down one now but it is a billion times healthier then the non vegan variety !

Best PeanutButter Pie Ever

chocolate cooked crust (i blended 3tbs butter+1.5 cups back to nature cookies)

12-14 oz silken tofu

1+1/4 cup natural creamy peanut butter

1/4 cup pure maple syrup

1 tsp vanilla

1 10oz bag chocolate chips

1/4-1/2 cup soy milk (tried it with almond and didnt care for it)

Preheat the oven at 350 and bake pie crust for 5 minutes just to get it a little crispy. Cool Completely.  In the microwave or double broiler melt the chocolate chips with the milk (start with 1/4 cup to thin it out add alittle more at a time if you need) then scoop out 1/4 cup of the chocolate mixture and set it aside and pour the remaining into the crust and spread even.  Refrigerate until sets* Meanwhile blend 1cup of the pb, tofu, maple syrup and vanilla until smooth then pour that on top of the set chocolate and spread even and refrigerate until set*  Once set remelt the leftover 1/4 cup of chocolate and the 1/4 cup of pb and mix together well and drizzle on top of the pie of just smear it on top for another layer.  Refrigerate until serving!

*Be patient with this, I have tried to skip this steps by putting it in the freezer, well its a major fail since it hardens the chocolate so hard that it doesnt go too well with the smooth pb layer.  So be patient with letting this set each time.. I know its hard!Image

Ugh do i wish there were leftovers!

I made 2 this year because it went sooo quick last year i felt bad not everyone got a piece and they both went just as quick this year, 3 maybe next year? 😉 I now make it every holiday or something with the pb mousse because you will see anything with it is amazing.  You will be licking the blender, believe me.

I put the the choc pb mixture in a ziplock bag and cut the end and just pipe it on the pie to make it look like i slaved in the kitchen for hours making it :-)!

Def try it this pie, asap! You will thank me.  I will be back tomorrow answering questions i got based on this post !

Happy Thanksgiving

22 Nov

Thank you so much everyone for my rambling on in yesterdays post, i got a bunch on inbox questions that im gonna bring up on here this weekend and answer! It really feels so great to have people who are willing to help you through something that you never even met it means soso much <333!

Today all i did was turn this

into

plus an unpictured cornbread stuffing mmmm 🙂

I got a 5k to do in the morning with my brother sister and bestfriend then heading to my aunts and the hitting up the stores for some black friday shopping (though i dont have my list yet because i havent gotten ne flyers for stores yet wtf?) because im one of those crazy people who go out lol i been going with my mom and sister past 2 years and it became our thing we get breakfast at 5am in the middle of store breaks then lunch then come home and eat leftovers for dinner lol long day and wouldnt have it any other way!

Happy Thanksgiving to all my US readers and everyone else, have a good thursday!

thank you all again, your comments and messaged really helped me<3

Do you have any holiday traditions?

The B Word

20 Nov

Yes, binge eating..

It’s something ive struggled with for the past year or so but sometimes i go months and months without binging and then other times i could barely go a week.  I especially binge when i get nervous and its usually just on peanut butter (i could easily eat a whole jar without a care in the world) and i no its not just because my body craves pb this is what friends and family have told me bc they dont no what im actually going through.. its an emotional thing because id be just sitting there and out of no where NEED it..I just can’t get the notion out of my head when i eat something “bad” that its all or nothing and i eat like i aint ever gonna eat again, then I refuse to eat anything “bad” the next day and most def lower my calories for the day..

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This whole summer though i was great i finally felt in balance with myself i didnt binge and was eating a normal amount of food and felt good with my workouts because i wasnt doing it to burn calories or anything because i felt great in the skin i was in and i dont know what exactly changed or made my mind think like it but i went straight back to binge starve cycle and it is awful. What i think is making it worse is i gained the few pounds i had lost when i was really bad, but i love my body how it is i really hated how i looked when i was so skinny, i got my butt back finally! because im back to my normal weight and eating a normal amount of calories i think when i do binges im afraid ill gain more weight.. its horrible.

Im also getting a little anxiety with the holidays coming because im fine the day of im not really big on thanksgiving food and i do eat a good amount of dessert but its the before and after.. before like today and tomorrow im baking all day long so im taste testing and idk about you but when i have sugar i seem to go balls to the wall and just want more more more and its sad because im already thinking “ohh well ill eat only this that this the following week”.. I know im in the right direction because im not in that dark place i was in but im not even close to being recovered either.

I have read about alot of people and their recovery with binge eating but it just doesn’t work for me, I know i feel better when i don’t eat a huge amount of food and nourish my body with foods it really craves but i bypass that thought and go straight for the pantry.  I know im not really hungry but it aint stopping me because i want it.  Another saying someone says worked for them is repeat “check yourself before you wreck yourself” and ill say that as i am knee deep in the pb jar.  It’s truly mental and shows how serious of a disease it is.

My friend and I, she has struggled with a ED years ago and had then got over it and just ate ate ate so shes trying to lose weight as im trying to stop binging and were eachothers cheerleaders so that’s been helping because she is really the only one who knows all of this but it’s still a struggle.

I even noticed since i started doing longer distances on my runs im obviously more hungry and feed myself, but if i have a binge and eat close to nothing the next day and usually dont work out because im to sick to my stomach to run that the next day when i go back to normal routine and go for my run, i feel so out of the norm and dont have energy that i just say to myself you see and feel your body cant handle not eating anything so just do it but like you know it’s easier said then done

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My goal this week is to enjoy the holidays, if i go overboard though to realize that’s life sometimes your pants will be tight especially after a holiday (aint that what babydoll shirts are for anyways;-) ) and to pick up and eat healthy after and get back on track, NOT reduce my calories and just get the hell on with my life and stop worrying about having a bit of bloat!

“insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”

thank you mr.einstein because aint it the truth!

How do you treat yourself after you have a binge/eat copious amounts on a holiday?

Pumpkin Pie Oatmeal

19 Nov

Hey all, hope everyone enjoyed their weekend! my legs are buring from 300 squats today and yesterday! i try to do 150 before breakfast and 150 after dinner, but today i got them all done already, i only got through the interval challenge 2x though

if you have been reading any blogs for awhile you notice once the leaves outside start to change color it is automatically pumpkin season and any pumpkin recipe is then popping up.  its my favorite time and though for the blogsphere pumpkin is coming to an end as anything peppermint (another fav) starts to enter in, pumpkin is still in full action at my house.. i actually think year round it probably is lol starting the day with oatmeal is the best to me and its this recipe feels like im eating comfort food its awesome!

Pumpkin Pie Oatmeal
1/2 cup oats
1/2 cup pumpkin puree
1-2 tsp pumpkin spice
2-3 tsp cinnamon (i dont really measure but id say its about that, i like alot)
1/2 cup almond milk
1 cup water
2 tbs pecans (optional)

Add all the ingredients but the nuts together and cook according to the directions. Top with pecans.

*I’ll cook over the stove sometimes and some days im feeling 4 minutes on high in the microwave, depends how late i wake up ;-)!

pumpkin oatmeal

This is the picture of the basic oatmeal (without the nuts today, i was all out) but the toppings are endless! Most days i add nuts, shredded coconut and a little molasses and it takes like im eating pumpkin pie its great.  Other times have a few spoonfuls of coconut whipped cream when i have it made, some raisins, bananas/apples, nut butters, sometimes all of alittle of it all too:-)! .. Or my favorite, i put a spoonful of pumpkin butter which takes it to a whole other level!
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Whats your favorite kind of oatmeal?