The B Word

20 Nov

Yes, binge eating..

It’s something ive struggled with for the past year or so but sometimes i go months and months without binging and then other times i could barely go a week.  I especially binge when i get nervous and its usually just on peanut butter (i could easily eat a whole jar without a care in the world) and i no its not just because my body craves pb this is what friends and family have told me bc they dont no what im actually going through.. its an emotional thing because id be just sitting there and out of no where NEED it..I just can’t get the notion out of my head when i eat something “bad” that its all or nothing and i eat like i aint ever gonna eat again, then I refuse to eat anything “bad” the next day and most def lower my calories for the day..

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This whole summer though i was great i finally felt in balance with myself i didnt binge and was eating a normal amount of food and felt good with my workouts because i wasnt doing it to burn calories or anything because i felt great in the skin i was in and i dont know what exactly changed or made my mind think like it but i went straight back to binge starve cycle and it is awful. What i think is making it worse is i gained the few pounds i had lost when i was really bad, but i love my body how it is i really hated how i looked when i was so skinny, i got my butt back finally! because im back to my normal weight and eating a normal amount of calories i think when i do binges im afraid ill gain more weight.. its horrible.

Im also getting a little anxiety with the holidays coming because im fine the day of im not really big on thanksgiving food and i do eat a good amount of dessert but its the before and after.. before like today and tomorrow im baking all day long so im taste testing and idk about you but when i have sugar i seem to go balls to the wall and just want more more more and its sad because im already thinking “ohh well ill eat only this that this the following week”.. I know im in the right direction because im not in that dark place i was in but im not even close to being recovered either.

I have read about alot of people and their recovery with binge eating but it just doesn’t work for me, I know i feel better when i don’t eat a huge amount of food and nourish my body with foods it really craves but i bypass that thought and go straight for the pantry.  I know im not really hungry but it aint stopping me because i want it.  Another saying someone says worked for them is repeat “check yourself before you wreck yourself” and ill say that as i am knee deep in the pb jar.  It’s truly mental and shows how serious of a disease it is.

My friend and I, she has struggled with a ED years ago and had then got over it and just ate ate ate so shes trying to lose weight as im trying to stop binging and were eachothers cheerleaders so that’s been helping because she is really the only one who knows all of this but it’s still a struggle.

I even noticed since i started doing longer distances on my runs im obviously more hungry and feed myself, but if i have a binge and eat close to nothing the next day and usually dont work out because im to sick to my stomach to run that the next day when i go back to normal routine and go for my run, i feel so out of the norm and dont have energy that i just say to myself you see and feel your body cant handle not eating anything so just do it but like you know it’s easier said then done

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My goal this week is to enjoy the holidays, if i go overboard though to realize that’s life sometimes your pants will be tight especially after a holiday (aint that what babydoll shirts are for anyways;-) ) and to pick up and eat healthy after and get back on track, NOT reduce my calories and just get the hell on with my life and stop worrying about having a bit of bloat!

“insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”

thank you mr.einstein because aint it the truth!

How do you treat yourself after you have a binge/eat copious amounts on a holiday?

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7 Responses to “The B Word”

  1. Devon @ Health in Equilibrium November 21, 2012 at 2:59 pm #

    Girl, I have been there. Binge-restrict and back again. It’s a horrible feeling. It happened to me all summer and I finally decided to go see a counsellor 2 weeks ago to talk about my problems. Since then, I have opened up to a lot of people and even started blog, but I know I’m not in the clear yet. I’m very nervous for Christmas. Every single Christmas since I can remember, I have had days of bingeing on leftovers, but this year I am determined to NOT restrict and actually have a piece of Christmas dessert so I don’t need to eat everything in sight later. There’s this great kiwi girl named Nina V who has a website and does awesome YouTube videos that you should look at. Just listening to her helped me take a few important step in right direction. Check her out! http://www.youtube.com/user/helpfored. Good luck with everything, I’m here for ya!

    • kaityscooking November 22, 2012 at 2:10 am #

      thank you so much i will def check her out !! and you seem to be doing good reading your posts have kept me pushing in the right direction thinking if she can i could! we got this !

  2. Jen @ Existential Evolution November 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

    Hang in there, girlfriend! I totally empathize with you. When I look back at my journey some of my first signs of binging involved the peanut butter jar too. Sending you healing Reiki love to assist you through this time.

    • kaityscooking November 22, 2012 at 2:08 am #

      thank you so much jen! and yess alot of people who emailed me said the same thing with peanutbutter.. thank you again it means so much!

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