After I posted my breakdown in this post, i got many emails asking some questions and i figured why not answer them on here since i seem to be going through what soo many people are going through!
Q: How did you realize you have binge eating disorder?
A: While i was never actually diagnosed by a doctor I know I do. I was in denial for awhile but once I had started reading blogs and their stories how they had/have a ED, it really made me open my eyes to see i do have a problem. At first I blew it off and probably went and ate a box of cookies to cope, but then I started to get more and more guilt each time I then binged, thats when it really clicked that I needed to start changing.
Q: Does any of your family know about your relationship with food?
A: To tell you the truth I have tried to tell my mom once or twice I have a binging problem I need some sort of help but she didnt really think it was anything. They do know im alittle physco about food though and have been for years. Some years worse then others to the point i had actually cried that my mom had added butter (even if it was vegan) to the veggies, this was probably me at my lowest. My bestfriend is the only one who knows, well that i have actually told about my problem and I had just opened up to her recently about it and it feels good to have someone right there. *by no means though did my parents just avoid the situation, they both would tell me to eat more im getting to skinny etc but never really saw it as a ED and prob thought me binging was ok bc it wasnt a daily occurance idk.
Q: What caused you to develop an ED when your already skinny?
A: In all seriousness my binging problem had nothing to do with me getting skinny, at first. I had gone through little diets (calorie counting, high protein, vegan) to keep my body in check and because i was actually interested in the nutrition and benefits. Something happened in my personal life which is def to long for this post and needs one on its own that led me to need some sort of control in my life. I could control what i put in my mouth. So i ate but not nearly enough so no1 really thought i had anything wrong with me because i was eating, you know 100 calorie salads that are still the size of my head. I then saw i was barely eating 1200 calories a day that I got obsessed with that control, then since from starving my body of anything other then fruit and veggies pretty much I’d have a binge. I turned that binge into a once a week occueance but thought of it as an indulgence i guess you could say because I enjoyed it, I ate healthy all week i deserved it right? Or maybe because I was starving and needed real food. One thing led to another that I then would get upset that my pants were to tight or my belly didnt look flat enough or the scale wasnt the same or lower then the day before, but it didnt really begin in order to get skinny, it was really a personal control matter. Which either way turned into the skinny obsession which sucks !
Q: What else did you binge on besides peanutbutter?
A: Everything! Id sometimes sit down eat a box of cereal then to move on to egg sandwiches x5. I have made a dessert and ate the whole recipes worth. I have even ate food i wasnt even enjoying but still ate it just because. But those were more rare occurrences pb made an appearance more often then not.
Q: What was your lowest point that you realized you had to change?
A: Well one was that time I cried because of the butter in the veggies. Another was when I got so upset one day because I was annoyed at something stupid (i honestly got so obsessed with things during this time, I had OCD with cleaning all of a sudden because of this control obsessive thing i had going on that id get pissed or upset if there were crumbs on the counter, my poor parents) and went to the store got a jar of pb, got a spoon in food court and went to my car and ate it and as i sat there i was like wtf is wrong with you are you really coming to this.. No i didnt throw out the jar I finished it and came home and swore to make some sort of change and i slowly am.
Q: Did you ever make yourself throw up?
A: No i never did, but im not gonna lie i have thought about it. After a big binge I did think about it but I have had friends that did that in the past and i remember how much i would tell them “why bother the calories already count” and “why waste your money buying the food if you wont actually have it”. Of coarse this is before i knew the mental changes an ED does to you this is when I really had a good relationship with healthy food so my friends would just snap at me and say well we dont want to work out or have to eat oatmeal and shakes for breakfast. I now understand how there mind was working but still anytime I ever had that purging thought, me saying that stuff to my friends always came in my mind because it was the truth and i snapped out of it.
Q: What were some of your obsessions? Because for me I stare at every girls thighs since thats my biggest problem area and all i cared about was if mine were bigger then someone elses.
A: ahh the comparison trap. to tell you the truth i didnt really care much about others. id be lieing if i said i never looked at a girl and said wow shes skinnier, prettier, smarter, etc then me. but my ED put me in my little cocoon that i was a selfish person and didnt care about anyone else because i was to worried about when my next meal would be or how many calories i consumed that day. I would get anxiety if i had to go out to dinner with friends or family that didnt have any “safe” options and because i couldnt control what they were putting into my food. And seriously the only time i ever got jealous of anyone was when i saw them being healthy and balanced with food/exercise. Like really i would think to myself like wtf is your problem go eat go to the gym for a little a day and go enjoy life but no.. my life revolved around me and food only. I also started the scale obsession. Every morning I got on the scale made sure it was exactly on zero and let it determine if i was going to have a bad or good day pretty much. Like i said it didnt start out as a weight thing, but it did turn into it.
Q: How long since you decided you needed to change?
A: Last October is when is when i was at the store in the car eating my pb alone and needed to change. I am no where near recovered but when i look back to things I did i have come such a long way that i am recovering which really makes me happy when I get to low points (like my binge the other day) I havent stepped on a scale since last december which was a big step. I havent worked out for hours and hours to burn calories in over a year. I have gone months at a time without binging, I didnt the whole summer and even would have peanutbutter everyday. Yes there was a jar left in my house for over a week! I had honestly thought i finally reached my balance point and i was sooo happy. I no what changed (which like i said earlier needs its own post) but one binge led to the guilt thoughts and so on and so fourth. All i know is that i can really say i am going in the right direction, old habits die hard. My body has been through hell and has got to learn to trust me again. As much as i hate myself after a relapse, at the same time it makes me alittle bit stronger.
Can you relate to any of this? Answer some of the questions and let me know!